Why Do We Disagree?

This is my "Leader's Dilemma:"

If you tell them, they won't listen.

What's in their head is not in yours.

They won't tell you what's in their heads.

All three statements spring from the brain's unconscious survival mechanism, so to figure out why we disagree so often, let's dive into that second precept: What's in their heads is not in yours.

So, why do I sometimes disagree with my spouse or the direction top leadership is taking my organization? The first reason involves our construction of reality and how we explain to ourselves the intent of others. Here's how and why we do that:

• The human mind abhors uncertainty, thinking it might be unsafe and threaten our survival.
  
  
• The mind's capacity for inputs is limited—we can only take in so much information.
  
  
• To create certainty, the brain makes up a story to fit its available data. I see Bob rushing away from the jammed copier, so I instantly make up the story to explain it: Bob's a jackass. He may have been going to get help, so my narrative is incorrect, but I sincerely believe it.
  
  

It's hard for us to think of our minds doing this: survival—story making—certainty. But that's the basic model. One of my psychology consultants calls the brain a narrative machine.

We all have different narratives – stories about why certain things happen and why other people do what they do. These stories are often wrong.

These inner dialogues can keep us in a negative conflict loop with ourselves and others.

Why Is a Yes So Hard?

Workplace disagreements are as inevitable as coffee spills on Monday mornings. They're the rogue email chains that spiral into passive-aggressive oblivion, the heated huddles around water coolers, and the projects that never get off the ground.

As a team leader, this can scuttle your best-laid plans and leave everyone with egg on their faces.

Most people will not speak up when they disagree. They may stay quiet out of low-grade fear, resentment, or a desire to be seen as a team player, even if they aren't.

Silent Nos can be terminal for teams.

Looking into what lies behind them, we find a few simple truths about human behavior:

• Back to survival, we have a hardwired negative bias – an automatic "no" that always feels safer than a "yes." We focus on what can go wrong before we think about what could go right.
  
  
• We have our view of the world, filters through which we see all our experiences and interactions. We think everyone sees the world the same, but they don't. This means we literally speak different languages, even if we believe we speak the same one.
  
  
• Information gaps exist between what can be proven as fact and the rest of the story. These are our brain blind spots. Our brain loves to color in these gaps with its narrative. This gap-filling is often misplaced or plain wrong. But because we think it, we believe it.
  
  

And – you will not always know when someone has settled on a NO. But you will undoubtedly see the unwanted results – eventually.

How to Get Them to a Yes

Ask questions to open up thinking. When a person is stuck in a no – just telling them won't work.

So, what's the takeaway from all of this? Take a breath and remember that the other person might be speaking an entirely different brain language to you. It's about asking clarifying questions, not just firing counterarguments like confetti canons. It's about building bridges of understanding instead of defensive walls made of jargon and spreadsheets.

Sure, disagreements will always be part of the workplace context. But with a bit of empathy and a willingness to decipher each other's language, we can get way more yeses and fewer nos.